Connor Sheridan
BG
English
Jan. 30, 2009
It was an early morning in late August – the end of summer, as Sean and his fellow lifeguards headed out to the beach. The sun began to rise over the ocean. Sean and his pals were in their bright orange bathing suits and putting on sunscreen like every other morning. Sean started out complaining about the lack of action in their jobs. However today would not be like every other day.
Sean had extensive training in his life guarding skills but he rarely had the opportunity to put them to use. His days often consisted of staring out at the ocean hoping for some action. Today he would get everything he could handle.
As Sean made his was to the lifeguard tower, he put his gear down and did his normal walk of the beach. It was one of the last beautiful days of summer and the crowds were really starting to pack the beach. By mid morning the beaches were as crowded as he had ever seen them. As the sun climbed higher, the heat drove the vacationers into the water. Sean pulled on his Ft. Lauderdale tee shirt to offer protection against the blazing sun. He scanned the beach with his binoculars.
By midday a sand bar had formed about 10 feet off shore. It drew the attention of many people. Sean rose tall in his chair above the clamor of the beach below him. He had an acute sense that something was about to happen. As he peered through his binoculars he noticed a sudden change in the texture of the ocean. Suddenly, the sand bar collapsed into the sea. Sean saw four kids who were on that section of the sandbar pulled into the ocean. He immediately recognized the signs of a riptide.
He grabbed his bullhorn and quickly ordered everyone out of the water. He radioed for assistance. A lifeguard commander knew something was wrong through the sound of alarm in Sean’s voice. “Sean, what’s wrong?” the commander asked. “Riptide! Section four! I saw four kids pulled out about thirty yards. I’m going in after them. Send help!”“Help’s on the way, be careful, and remember your training!” The commander replied.
Sean dropped his radio, grabbed his torpedo buoy, and raced towards the water. He grabbed the surfboard near the shoreline and headed into the surf. He cast his eyes out to the children who had been dragged out. He could see that they were panicking and going under. The riptide had ended and the water became placid. Sean used his strong swimming skills to propel the surfboard towards the children. He reached one boy and pulled him onto the surfboard. The boy was about eight years old and he was hyperventilating. Sean calmed the boy down as he searched for the others. He saw two other boys and quickly brought them onto the surfboard. They were frantic and said their friend had gone under. Sean noticed one of the boys had a deep cut along his left leg and blood was pouring into the water. The boys pointed to the spot where they last saw their friend and Sean dove in that direction. He took a deep breath and dove down three fathoms to the ocean floor. The boy was tangled in a bed of seaweed but Sean quickly emancipated him. Sean was running out of air as he pushed hard off the ocean floor and used his powerful stroke to pull him to the surface. Most other lifeguards would have rued ever becoming a lifeguard in this quagmire. However, Sean was indefatigable and he pushed the last boy onto the surfboard as he paddled them toward the shore. Sean had no inkling that lurking behind him only ten feet away was a shark attracted by the blood flowing from the cut on the small boy’s leg. Luckily, Sean was bestowed with a strong kick as he powered his the boys towards the beach on the surfboard. He peered towards shore and couldn’t help but notice the fracas. He heard many shrill screams and people pointing in his direction. He did not realize the quandary until he saw the look the in the eyes of the boy who had been under the water. The boy was staring past him. Sean thought he was trembling from the trauma he had just endured. The boy raised his hand and pointed behind Sean. As Sean turned his head back, he saw the fin of the shark that was rapidly approaching. Sean burst forward but he knew he could not out swim a shark.
Just then, Sean heard a high-pitched whine approaching from his left. He glanced over and saw his lifeguard commander cutting through the water in his jet ski, coming between him and the shark. Sean was exhausted as his fellow lifeguards helped pulled the boys to shore. Sean nearly collapsed on the beach trying to catch his breath while a chorus of cheers came from the bystanders on the beach.
The paramedics took the children for treatment while Sean headed to the lifeguard station. As they left work for the day, his friend Matt kidded him,”Just another boring day, huh Sean?”
Easter
14 years ago
10 comments:
Author's Notes
1. I would like the reader to understand the message of being careful what you wish for because many people wish for things that they will regret.
2. I think that the message really stands out in this piece. The conflict was easy to write and describe.
3. While writing my story i encountered difficutly with thinking of an interesting plot.
4.I think that the most helpful feedback would be based on the plot development or the characters in the story.
the conflict of Connors story was that there were 4 kids that were just playing around in the water and all of a sudden there was a riptide and took them under and Sean, the lifeguard want out and saved the boys. later there was a shark that was behind him and then they got away and safe.this was an internal conflict. i liked the conflict a lot because it kept me interested into the story.
the main character changed over the story by being brave enough to save the little kids from drowning in the water. if the character didn't change then the story would be more boring than it is. i liked his story.
my favorite part of the story was when Sean went under water and saved those kids, they were only 8 years old. i also liked when the shark was going after Sean and the boys and they got away because the commander pulled a jet ski in front of them.
the best quality was probably the use of vocab and the conflict was really interesting. it kept me wanting to read more into the story, and i did.
the theme of the story was courage because Sean got out there and saved those kids without doing any thinking.
the main thing that the author needs to work on is his details because it was kind of bland and boring when he described the kid bleeding.
chris the thug menard? seriously chris..
connor your story was so good! your dad would be so proud of you! happy day early birthday too bestfriend!
The conflict of this story is that Sean is trying save the boys lives but the ocean and the terrible shark stand in the way for Sean. This is an external conflict. I was very interested in the resolution of this conflict because I thought that it was very good and it was also very intense. I think that the conflict could have been more dramatic if the boy died and Sean had to revive the boy back to life to save him.
I think that the main character changed over the course of the story because he became more brave which allowed him to go into the riptide and save the boys lives. I think that if the protagonist did not change over the time then the story would have been pretty pointless because then he would of not gone into the water to save the boys lives and he would of not of swam away from the shark that was chasing him.
My favorite part of the story was when the shark stated to chase after Sean without any warning. I thought that this was a very intense moment of the story. This part of the story happened in the falling action of the story."Sean was exhausted as his fellow lifeguards helped pulled the boys to shore. Sean nearly collapsed on the beach trying to catch his breath while a chorus of cheers came from the bystanders on the beach." I like this part of the story because I thought that it was really good and interesting and it should a good example of word choice.
I think that the story's best quality was the conflict of the story. I think that is was because it was well developed and was very exciting and kept me wanting to read more and more. I thought that the story was very in depth because I felt like I was in the story experiencing the conflict of the story. That is why I think that the conflict was the best part of the story.
I think that the story's theme is to never back down and be brave. I think that this is the story's theme becase the protagonist was very brave by going inton the water to save the boys lives even though there was a shark swimming after him. I think that the author planted the seeds by having the life think that today was a boring day, but then it grew because the boys drowned and the lifeguard had to go in the water and save their lives.
I think that the author could maybe add a little more dialogue to make the story sem more real. This will allow the readers to get more into the story and want to read more and more of it. I also think that the story could be a little bit longer because I thought that it was pretty good and I wanted to keep on reading it. Those are the things that I would change about the story if I was the reader.
the conflict of Connors story is external. The problem is, is that there were a bunch of people swimming around in the water, and then the snadbar dropped and a rip tide occured causeing sean the lifegaurd to go save them. When sean paddled out to save the kids, he almost got attacked by a shark! I enjoyed the conflict because i spend my whole summer at the beach surfing so i know all about riptides and sharks and cute lifegaurds!!
The main character changed over the coarse of the story because he was actually put to work/ a challenge. Usually he just sat up in his tower and over looked everyone, but he was put in a life or death situation and saved the children and himself.
My favorite part of the story was when connor shared that a shark was swimming up to sean. It made the problem increase, and make you anxious to see what was going to happen next.
The best quality of the story was the plot. I really enjoyed reading about the lifegaurd and him having to overcome obstacles. i think that the message of the story is to work hard!
I think Connor did a great job, i would add a little more detail to the setting. !
The conflict of the story is that 4 boys are pulled in to a riptide and and the lifeguard has to save them.This is resolved when the lifeguard makes a courageous act risking his life to save them. This is an external conflict.
I think that the main character changed over the course of the story because he became more brave which allowed him to go into the riptide and save the boys lives. I think that if the protagonist did not change over the time then the story would have been pretty pointless because then he would of not gone into the water to save the boys lives and he would of not of swam away from the shark that was chasing him.
my favorite part of the story was when Sean went under water and saved those kids, they were only 8 years old. i also liked when the shark was going after Sean and the boys and they got away because the commander pulled a jet ski in front of them.
Overall the tales best quality was the plot and confllict. It really made the story interesting and made me want to keep reading. The riptide almost shark attack was all very good.
The theme f the story is to work hard and everything will go your way. For example when he saved the boys lives and then everybody thought of him as a hero.
I think that the story would be better if there was a little more dialogue between the kids when they are drowning. Other than that this story was very good.
The conflict was the lifeguards were bored with their job and wanted action. So then one wishes for action and has to save four lives. The conflict was both internal and external.
The character changed by now knowing not to wish for stuff you will regret. He also had insight on the lifegurading scene. If he didnt change then he moght do that wish again and someone could die.
My favorite part was the part when shaun dove under water to find the fourth kid. I liked this part becasue he desdribed it very well. I felt like i was there under the water tangled in the seaweed.
The best quality is the good description. I like the scene when you even find out about the graphics on the shirt that sean wears.
The theme is never make a wish you mayr egret. The seeds are foreshadowing by saying it will be another normal day work, then having it be a hard day of lifesaving.
All the author has to do is add to the dialoug. The describeing takes over the story but outher than that it is very good.
1.Acute-adjective-sharp-I chose this word to describe Sean’s sharp sense of awareness.
2.Clamor-noun-loud -noise-I chose this word to describe the loud noise on the beach.
3.Cast-verb-to throw- I chose this word to describe the way Sean looked out into the ocean to see the kids drowning.
4.Placid-adjective-calm or peaceful-I chose this word to describe the water of the ocean after the riptide.
5.Hyperventilate-verb-to breathe heavily- I chose this word to describe the way the kid was breathing when he came above the surface.
6.Fathom-noun-unit of measurement that is equal to six feet- I chose this word to describe how far Sean dove under water.
7.Emancipate-verb-to free- I chose this word to describe the way Sean freed the kid from the seaweed.
8.Rue-verb-to regret- I chose this word to describe the way most lifeguards would have regretted being one in his situation.
9.Quagmire-noun-difficult situation- I chose this word to describe the difficult situation Sean and the boys were in.
10.Indefatigable-adjective-never tired- I chose this word to describe how Sean was never tired after saving the boys.
11.Inkling-noun-slight suggestion or indication; unaware- I chose this word to describe the way Sean was unaware there was a shark nearby.
12.Lurk-verb-to wait suspiciously- I chose this word to describe the way the shark was waiting in the water.
13.Bestow-verb-to put to use; apply- I chose this word to describe how Sean put his swimming to use.
14.Fracas-noun-chaos- I chose this word to describe the chaos on the beach due to the riptide.
I. The conflict is between Sean and the shark that’s trying to eat the boys in the water. This is an external conflict. It was resolved by Sean saving the boys. The story could’ve been more dramatic if the boys were pulled under the water to make you think the shark actually got them.
II. The main character became braver over the course of the story because he was willing to lay his life on the line to try to save the boys. His epiphany is when he realizes he has to go in and save them.
III. My favorite part of the story is when Sean gets back onto land and everybody claps for him because he saved the kids. “Sean was exhausted as his fellow lifeguards helped pulled the boys to shore. Sean nearly collapsed on the beach trying to catch his breath while a chorus of cheers came from the bystanders on the beach.”
IV. The story’s best quality is the author’s descriptive abilities. Throughout the story I could really picture what’s happening.
V. The theme of the story is to get over your fears. I think this is the theme because the protagonist gets over his fear goes in the water and helps save the boys.
VI.One thing the author might want to change would be giving a little more description about the boys.
1.The biggest change from my first draft to my final draft was mainly correcting and changing surface errors throughout my story. For example, I had to start a new paragraph every time I was adding quotations.
2.The editing process that was the most helpful to me was the peer editing packet because it was helpful criticism that was in depth to make my story better.
3.In my opinion, the strongest element of my story is the conflict. The conflict is the strongest part because it is realistic and it is made clear. I also think that it would get the reader interested in the resolving of the conflict.
4.The advice that I would give to someone about to write a short story would be to know what the plot and conflict are before you start writing so you will have guidelines on what your story is going to be about. It will also be easier to make up the story as you go if you understand these elements first.
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